…When We Are Pained

Can we   really heal the hurt we  feel , by hurting others in turn? COLIN SAVIO COELHO reflects  on this question and comes  up with some positive healing answers.

It comes to us so naturally at times. There are moments when we hurt,  and at the first opportunity; we are ready to strike out verbally or even draw up our fists on someone when we hurt. We attack others, almost thinking it is perfectly normal to do so. And all the while we believe that it is a perfectly normal reaction.  We may even defend ourselves by claiming that we have been hurt and so our reaction is totally justified!

Reaching your tolerance levels

Daniela always told her friend Amanda that she would have her way with their classmate and ‘former’ friend Gina. Gina had hurt Daniela very badly.  Daniela explained what happened to Amanda, “She came in and told my mother that I was riding the bicycle extremely fast yesterday.  I was doing no such thing.”  Daniela was hurting because her mother had a few things to say to her about speeding and she was innocent.  This had pained Daniela a lot and she was hurting.

Daniela has reached the threshold of tolerance.  Gina had been doing this very often and now it had reached its peak.  An angry Daniela decided, “She is jealous of me.  Look, she does not even have a bicycle.”

This small incident left Daniela hurting.  Amanda, however, had a similar story to tell about another friend.  She had complained to the class teacher that Amanda has tried to cheat at the examination.  Amanda was very calm, though, and ignored the accusation because she knew that the teachers knew her honesty only too well.  “The teachers will not even check it out,” she thought with a composed mind.

The degree of hurt varies from individual to individual.  While Daniela felt pain at the incident, a similar occurrence caused no tension for Amanda.  And Daniela was feeling an urgent need to release the pain while Amanda was calmer.

Pain, Pain Go Away

We need to introspect within and answer this question: “Even if I release my pain and hurt with aggression or by verbally attacking another person, will the pain really go away?”  Probably, it will just get suppressed and will come to the surface at the first opportunity it gets.

In our haste to get the pain away, we usually strike at the most convenient target.  The other reaction some of us have is that we suddenly get very sarcastic and this is a disguise that seems to cover all that you feel.

Attacking Others

We are very prone to using the easiest method to relieve the emotional pain we suffer from when we are hurt emotionally. The easy way out is attacking others verbally and even physically.  But is the person we are attacking the cause of the pain we feel or is it just converging with the ache on the first person we come across.

Can we identify who is exactly responsible for the situation we are in? Is it me because I am sensitive and hurt easily?  Or is it the other person who knows I am sensitive and yet chooses words that will cause pain?

Jolene was known to be a daddy’s girl.  She always listens to and acts on his advice,  and never misses out on what he says.  He had once told her, “Always remember, when we strive for excellence, we need to look at what we can do.  It really is not in our interest to change anyone else.”  These words ring in Jolene’s mind each time she is hurt by someone.  She learnt to take responsibility for her own pain. There was one important thing that Jolene learnt from all this. She was careful not to cause hurt to anyone, because the other person cannot be changed and be forced to accept what you want to dish out.  Jolene eventually learnt to stop being the source of pain for others by changing herself to act in a suitable way when in company.

Thinking about the hurt

Do I really have to hurt?  We must remember that  we can only grow with a sense of responsibility.  If this can happen, then we can be responsible for our own pain.  We have to know that it is a privileged power that we posses by which we recognize this.  We really do not need to give this power to someone else.  Our responsible ways can make us powerful enough to keep that very personal power within ourselves and don’t give it to another.  This could mean giving away the power to hurt us.

Let it go

The pain can come in suddenly and can be likened to a prick of a thorn.  We could then feel the pain and hurt or find a way of removing the thorn and getting relief from the pain. 

Emotional hurting is a not a fortune and we can definitely let go of it.  Keeping the thorn within and crying out will only cause a lasting pain.  The way you think about the pain will affect how you hurt.  If we don’t work towards healing the injury caused due to the pricking of the thorn, we may have it coming back to us again and again. 

We can easily work on these unfavorable moments.  It is a good idea to release the pain so that it causes little or no injury and then eventually vanishes into thin air.

Inner Healing

If you are going through pain in your life, I just want you to know that there are people in the world that are going through the same thing and understand. It's tough but, if you don't let the pain control you, you will make it through. And remember that when we  can control our pain, something can bloom out of ashes we get in life.

There are many ways in dealing with the disappointments of life than hurting others.  If the hurt is major, the best way would be to communicate with an elder you can trust, preferably your parents.  We also need to think rationally about the situation.  It would be nice to take some time off and find out how best we can let go of the burden we have brought on. 

It is not about becoming insensitive or cold towards others to avoid pain.  We need to live with our emotions, but we must see them come and go.  We don’t need to hold on to them until we feel endless pain that lets the energy flow until it is completely free to bring back the emotions of celebration of life.

About the Author:

Colin Savio Coelho  is a Margao, Goa based  freelance journalist  who also specializes in  event publicity.  He is an  aficionado and promoter of Goan  culture, especially music. Actively  involved with his alma mater, he  is the Jt Secretary Federation  of Jesuit  Alumni Association of India ( JAAI)  and an active member  of Loyola Ex-students Association(LESA), Margao and editor of  Voice of JAAI newsletter