14 Apr 2017 12:24am IST
How often do we read in the books about finding the Perfect partner , getting married and “living happily ever after” and how often do we wonder if everyone else is managing this and only we are the ones somehow having problems.
Relax!! This phenomenon is common to all.
Even in the Best of Marriages it’s a question of adjustments. Many think Oh!! That’s ok for arranged marriages but what about Love marriages where people meet, choose each other, go out together, fall in Love, stay in love over the years and then marry.
Please realize that even in Love marriages when people meet , they do so under the best of circumstances, when the love birds meet both dress well, put on perfume and their best smiles, behave well as we all do in public and this goes on through the courting period together ..say three or four hours or a day or an evening with each other…and we fall in love with this best behavior exhibited by the other. And we imagine that the other is like this all the time – and Perfect for us.
After marriage ..and this is the catch ..its 24 hours together situation ..through snoring at nights while sleeping, belches and burps and letting of air from all sorts of other places, through early morning blues, through behaviors that were tolerated as amusing, now becoming irritating and sometimes intolerable etc. etc.
And what’s the immediate reaction ..Trying to change your spouse’s behavior .. for the type you want … and then frustration when it doesn’t work .. and arguments and fights and name calling and worse .. and thoughts that the Perfect partner is not exactly the Perfect partner and there’s someone else “Out There” who would have been better for you and you made a wrong choice.
In reality, each probably was not as wonderful as the other thought the other to be before you married. On the other hand, the other is probably not as terrible as you might now be thinking.
Some reactions are unhappy homes , just about tolerating the mess one has got into. Worse situations lead to divorce and then remarriage to another “self-decided” Perfect partner and the whole cycle repeating again.
People should realize that the only person You can change is Yourself. You should change, You should tolerate, You should accommodate. And this "You" applies to both individually. And let the Love that you so happily declared for each other “Till death do us Part” help you achieve this. You are doing this for yourself and the person who you professed to Love. And for your matrimonial bliss, Home Happiness and Family member’s sake it is worth the effort from both.
And here I would suggest you do indulge in what I call “The Cinderella Syndrome” to add a little spice to your lives.
And what is this “Cinderella Syndrome” ..its simple ..Recreate the circumstances that made you fall in love with each other in the first place, now and again.
Have you noticed how you may fight while getting ready to go for a party ..while dressing up , while going to the car , while driving , while approaching the door of the Party venue ..and then .. Voila …The “Magic Cinderella” door opens and you are in where the party is at , you both wish your friends with smiles , you both joke around and behave like the happiest couple together and this goes on through the evening .. through Drinks and Snacks and Dinner and Dancing ..both of you are like you were before marriage ..both are “Cinderellas”, smiling and perfect to all and each other too. And this goes on till you wish everyone goodbye and the Magic door closes and you are back to your married selves , two of you , as you walk back to the car maybe already arguing and pointing out faults, perhaps.
But realize those hours spent at the party recreated your “How you fell in Love with each other” conditions and so it was an enjoyable evening for both you “Cinderellas”. An evening well spent recreating the pre-marriage conditions that led to you falling in Love with each other. A wonderful evening enjoyed by both.
All you have to do is make sure you recreate the same once or twice a week or more often. Yes parties are difficult to arrange or be invited to, but going out for dinner with your spouse is possible and more often welcome.
And that bring up- The most important rule …do not go out as just the two of you – you will take your home problems along and discuss them there – and take all your troubles wherever you go and spoil the evening … Go out with another couple or with at least one common friend ...and this is a must ….Only this will ensure the “Cindrella Syndrome”. The Magic Formula that will make the evening thoroughly enjoyable for both and revive the circumstances and behaviors of both you and your spouse that you fell in love with.
And most important at home have frank talks about everything under the Sun that bothers you frankly , do point out changes that you seek , but more and most important listen to changes asked of you. Think it over, changes for your spouse who you love are possible, then decide and try …Remember each can only change yourself … its up to the other to do the same .. It may not be exactly as you want but if each tries it is worth it and over time circumstances will change and better things will happen and the atmosphere at your Home will improve and hey even become Fantastic .
Remember Marriage is not primarily about finding the right spouse. It's about being the right Spouse also!!
And all through this you have the fairy tale type “Cindrella Syndrome” option to add a little fun to your married Life and to recreate those wonderful moments of love that brought you two together. And this , I am sure, is enough to help you through difficult times , if any.
So let the game of Love begin … And as they say when starting - Love all – Play – And the best of Luck !!
(The author is an owner of Boat Cruises)