Po-tay-to, Po-tah-to!

I first came across this expression during my courting days when my fiancé and I took an interest in jazz music and were mad about ,  and the other jazz greats and one of my favourites besides ‘’ was ‘ I often pensively thought about the subtle differences partners in a relationship have, in their individual personalities and how these can work to advantage!  I recently penned down how my own parents were different in some ways and how these had a positive impact on me as I grew up.

It was funny growing up with parents that I thought back then were like chalk and cheese. Papa was the typical village boy and grew up in the hinterlands of Mashem, Canacona while Mama was literally the city girl having had to move to the big city for a better education. Papa had an awesome grey hairdo while Mama’s was jet black! My dad took me to the temple often for he loved the bhajans and aratis and all kinds of devotional songs, while my mother was extremely rigorous about attending mass and reciting the rosary at home. He had studied at a temple while she was enrolled in a convent school. He had studied in Marathi, she in Portuguese. So while I joined a convent school, Papa taught me lessons at home in Marathi and Hindi. Mama would take me to church every Sunday, I loved it. And on days I missedSunday mass and felt guilty, Papa would reassure me that work was worship! 

Papa took me on excursions to the Mashem backyards with forest trees and fresh water ponds. I also accompanied him to the Galgibaga river, mangroves and the beach while Mama engaged me indoors to stitch wonderful wildflowers on cross-stitch cloth and little dresses for my dolls! Papa was a super swimmer and I would watch him every day swim across the Galgibaga river so adeptly and even swim out at sea, with the high waves swallowing him up while I patiently waited for him to return on the shore collecting my favourite cowrie shells! Papa often told me stories about his pet squirrel, favourite dogs and hunting excursions with his friend who was popularly called Monkey Uncle while Mama tucked me in bed narrating beautiful stories and parables from the bible. Papa did shirsassan and push-ups in the living room while Mama juggled with pots and pans in the kitchen. I climbed like a monkey all over my dad while he exercised every morning, and later helped Mama wash the dishes and tidy up the house. I watched Mama drape herself gracefully in a Sari every morning while she readied for office and eagerly rushed to Papa when he returned early evening from his bank, comfortable in a half sleeved bush shirt, pants and kholapuri chappals. He travelled by cycle and she by the city bus. He loved Hindi and Marathi cinema, Madhubala in particular was his favourite actor but he often took me and my sister to the city to watch English movies about Elvis Priestly, Michael Jackson and other western musicians. Mama loved listening to Alfred Rose, Lorna and Tina Turner and I enjoyed accompanying her to the Mando, tiatre and English plays at Kala Academi. 

During Christmas, Papa would cart the Christmas tree on his cycle and Mama would show me how to make Neuros, Bebinca and cake on the ring oven. Papa would bring turmeric leaves from the market while Mama would make yum patoleos. Papa would watch regional news on the TV while Mama would listen to cantaram on radio. Papa had suddenly begun smoking and although out of sight, Mama would always know. I silently became a referee trying to smell out papa and one fine day simply asked him to quit and he did! He was crisp with his accounts and was a pro at saving, Mama would be content planning for home and our education. Papa loved the traditional zaatras while Mama liked to visit fairs during church feasts. He began working at the age of 13 yrs to support his education when he moved to Bombay and Mama at 17 yrs to support her siblings after her Dad had passed away. He taught me compassion for the environment, she taught me empathy to others. He taught me ‘Joh kalkare so aaj, johaajkare so ab’, the tenet of living in the moment and completing tasks as the opportunity arises. She taught me ‘Offer the other cheek, always do good’. They were different and lived life by agreeing to disagree, accept each other and allowed us to experience the positives of their different personalities. This did not mean that there was an absence of arguments, followed by a brief period of silence and more discussions. This did not mean that there was an absence of love and affection. What was shining through was a staunch commitment to love forever. A love of so many sacrifices, of lifting each other up, of demonstrating hope.

Each of us is unique, each of us is different. In every relationship, be it a friendship or marriage, initially at the beginning of the relationship, we generally tend to see only the positives in each. As the relationship matures or grows, the negatives or flaws begin to become more visible. It is our attitude that makes a difference in looking at the flaws in a more temporal way. Only when we accept the other and are able to tolerate these flaws, the relationship moves on to a more mature level. It is only then that potayto metamorphoses into a potahto and one can rise above all the jazz!

(Tallulah D’Silva is 

a practicing architect in Goa)