FRIDAY, MAY 17, 2024
Ibonio D’Souza
Why do many relationships fall apart? Some marriages that begin with great passion come to a bitter end. Friendships that people hope will last for a lifetime falter and die. Business partnerships that began with promise come to a disastrous conclusion. The reasons for such breakdowns are many, but the cause that outweighs all others is broken trust.
Trust is defined as “a firm belief or confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, justice, etc. of another person.” Trust is the foundation of any relationship. Developing trust is like constructing a building. It takes time, and it must be done one piece at a time. As in construction, it’s is much quicker and easier to tear something down than it is to build it up. But if the foundation is strong, there is a good chance that what is built upon it will stand.
A relationship can also be described as being like a painting. Trust is like the frame that surrounds it and holds it together. It provides a context in which to view the work of art. Trust defines its boundaries. And trust secures it to the wall so that it can be enjoyed. Trust provides emotional structure. If you want to enjoy the beauty of relationships, frame them with trust. When two people trust each other completely, the relationship can grow to a level of friendship that is as rewarding as anything in life. It reaches the highest heights.
Trust begins with yourself. Shakespeare wrote, “This above all: To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.” If you are not honest with yourself, you will not be capable of honesty with others. Self-deception is the enemy of relationships. It also undermines personal growth. If a person does not admit his shortcomings, he cannot improve them.
Trust cannot be compartmentalised. You cannot have one set of ethics for your business life and another for your personal life. Character does not work that way. If someone asks you to help him in a lie, do not believe that he will avoid lying to you whenever it is convenient. What a person will do with you, he will also do to you. An individual’s character eventually bleeds into every aspect of his life.
Trust works like a bank account. Trust is like a bank account - you have got to keep making deposits if you want to grow. On occasion, things will go wrong, and you will have to make a withdrawal. Meanwhile, it is sitting in the bank earning interest. Each time you do something to build trust, you put money in the bank. Each time you do something negative, you spend that money. Do enough negative things, due to lack of character or competence, and you are bankrupt, and that spells the end of that relationship.
This dynamic works in every area of your life. You need to ask yourself some questions at the end of every day: Am I making deposits? Am I exhibiting trustworthy behaviour that is putting relational money in the bank? Am I making withdrawals? Have I undermined trust in any of those important relationships? If so, I need to try to make things right. Do not wait another minute to take the appropriate action. Apologise, or ask yourself why you broke trust, or correct the issue in your life, recognise that it takes longer to restore trust than to lose it, and also remember that trust is restored by deeds, not just words. Doing these things will not earn you more trust but it may stop you from losing more. And you just might save the relationship.
Further, you can compound your trust, as observed in the sporting field or any team work. If you set up an atmosphere of communication and trust, it becomes a tradition. Older team members will establish your creditability with newer ones. Even if they do not like everything about you, they will still say, ‘He is trustworthy, committed to us as a team’. You can develop so much trust that it actually builds without additional deposits. But it takes time and incredible consistency.
The chief lesson we learn in our life is that the only way you can make a man trustworthy is by trusting him, and the surest way to make him untrustworthy is to distrust him and show that distrust. It cannot be denied that there is possible risk in trusting others, but it is a risk worth taking. Without trust, you cannot build healthy, lasting relationships.
