A counsellor had once told me that ‘hurting people hurt others’. For a very
long time, I could not make sense of it. Every time someone hurt me I would
think that this person was simply being malicious because she/he felt that
she/he was superior to me and needed to show me ‘my place’ or that they were simply gloating
over their good fortune and rubbing in my misfortune.
As time went by, I tried harder to
make sense of that phrase. After all, it was a counsellor with 20 years of
experience who had shared this insight with me. To dismiss her statement or to
doubt her would be sacrilege. Hence I embarked on a journey to seek the truth.
The subject of this experimentation was, quite naturally, ME! Now every time
someone screamed or shouted at me or tried to hurt me, I reminded myself of the
aforementioned phrase and put a distance between myself and my situation.
Instead of feeling hurt by my ‘tormentor’s’ actions, I now decided to deal with
the situation more objectively and less emotionally.
Once my ‘tormentor’ had backed off, I would walk up to
him or her and just ask, “What’s happening in your life?” or “What is bothering you?” A simple question and the defences
were dropped. Suddenly, my ‘tormentor’ would look more ‘tormented’. And then the whole story would come out. Behind that strong and happy
facade was actually a ‘hurting soul’. She/he did not know what to do with that hurt, how to handle it, how
to heal it. Without intending to, or realising it, this person would end up
hurting an ‘easy target’, in this case, me.
As I spoke to more people and
observed them more, I saw this phrase come to life over and over again. When
other ‘easy targets’ gave vent to their feelings with me, I’d just ask them to find out some more about their ‘tormentor’. Invariably, these ‘easy targets’ would come back feeling sorry for
their ‘tormentor’. Mostly, these ‘tormentors’ where going through difficult times and they would lash out at others
out of stress.
So does it mean that it is okay for
these ‘hurting people’ to hurt others? Definitely not. However, instead of feeling antagonised
by these people, we can now gain perspective and save ourselves from
unnecessary hurt. We need to put a distance between ourselves and the
situation. We need to remind ourselves that ‘hurting people hurt others’. As such,
their harsh words and actions are not a reflection of us and our actions, but a
reflection of their own pain. Harsher the words, deeper the pain.
Instead of shouting back or
resorting to adverse action or indulging in self-pity, we can put this incident
behind us almost immediately and carry on with what actually matters to us.
Instead of being pulled into a power or an ego tussle, we can now address the
real problem and attempt to solve that. Of course, a solution is possible only
if the ‘hurting person’ first acknowledges that she/he is hurting. Till that happens, we will
have at least saved ourselves from becoming yet another ‘hurting person who hurts others’.