Annalie Rodrigues
International Men’s Day is celebrated every year on November 19 and serves as a day to truly appreciate the men in our lives for the significant roles they play. In the past decade, there has been a gradual shift in the idea of what the ‘alpha male’ looks like. A term that was previously associated with being aggressive, feared, and strong has today changed to be tied with an image of gentleness and emotional expressiveness. This new definition does not mean that men have become less strong, but rather that strength itself has been redefined. This new definition of what an ideal man is often exemplified in their roles in many Goan homes, as we see a division of household work, contrary to what was seen in the past. Due to the current economy, where it is often necessary for both husband and wife to work, the sharing of household responsibilities is also becoming more common today, with men stepping up to fairly contribute towards the children’s upbringing and household chores. What was once considered “helping” is slowly becoming co-owning the home. The idea of the father as a silent man whose presence is to be feared as he steers clear of household responsibilities and children’s upbringing is therefore less commonly seen today, as fathers have become more hands on and are better at communicating their feelings and play an important and nurturing role in their children’s lives as well. Aligning with this thought process, Clayton Coutinho shared his experience of how he and his wife make sure to both be involved in household responsibilities such as shopping, cooking, cleaning and in the upbringing of the children, in guiding and correcting and imparting good Christian morals and values. He also spoke of how they try to get their children to help out with the daily chores around the house, thereby teaching them that children also have their own responsibilities as a part of the family. He went on to talk about how when growing up he saw previous generations even within his family that the husband and wife had specific gender-based roles but these roles could never be shared or interchanged, but over the years there has been a change in the way both husband and wife function as a team to raise children and train them to understand their role in the family to benefit later when they have their own families. It is also evident that men are slowly learning to be more expressive about their feelings, accompanied by a sense of gentleness that was previously frowned upon and seen as a sign of weakness. The idea that ‘men don’t cry’ is slowly fading out as men’s mental health is being given more importance, and men are slowly unlearning ideas of toxic masculinity to allow themselves to become more vulnerable and truly feel their emotions and channel them in a healthy manner. In conversation with Roselle Coutinho, a psychologist, she said, “I noticed that there has definitely been a gradual change in how boys have begun to express emotions more freely, as a lot more things are accepted today. Boys find it easier to come forward regarding mental health issues, but awareness surely has to increase. It’s not a battle won yet because it also depends on families and their mindsets. Families that have a more conservative and authoritarian style of functioning still look at emotions as something that makes them weak and needs to be hidden. The change only comes from education and willingness to accept change, but when I say education, I don’t mean mainstream education, I mean learning through life and its challenges.” Although previous generations of men did love and contribute to their families, the love was expressed mainly through actions rather than words. It was seen in simple acts of dropping the children off at school, teaching them to cycle, and providing for their needs and wants. Today, this expression is also accompanied by words of affirmation and simply saying “I love you,” which was a rarer occurrence in the past. Men today also see their wives as someone who shares responsibilities, dreams, frustrations, and joys. This shift has created healthier families, more cooperative marriages, and children who grow up seeing equality as a norm, not an exception. This shift in perspective benefits both men and women as satisfaction in marriages increases, and children experience the presence of an emotionally available father who can act as a role model for them. It also decreases the workload on the woman as they begin to complement each other in their roles. Godwin Afonso, who left his job in order to be with his family, says, “I quit my job on the cruise lines when I was 45 years old rather than waiting for retirement because I wanted my children to grow up in the presence of both their parents. My wife is a teacher, so we didn’t have to worry about our finances, and my wife takes care of our daily bread and all the bills. It’s not easy to take such a step because you don’t know what lies ahead, you can’t see tomorrow, and a couple of my good friends thought I made a wrong decision, but we are happy and satisfied with God’s grace and providence. It’s a very big responsibility to look after the household chores, although it may appear that life is easy after quitting your job and staying at home to take care of the household chores, but believe me, it’s a lot more work than at your actual workplace. My wife and I share the workload and help each other out in our roles.” Across Goa, you can already see this transformation quietly unfolding through the father tying his daughter’s plaits at the bus stop, the husband chopping vegetables while his wife cooks, the young man who freely admits he cries during movies, or the son who cares tenderly for ageing parents. This International Men’s Day, it is therefore important to celebrate this new alpha male as one who leads with kindness, collaborates with respect, and is in touch with his emotions. A man is powerful not because he dominates, but because he understands.
