Janet Mascarenhas
A child suddenly talks back, another child slams the door and another simply gives the silent treatment. These behaviours trigger parents and it often follows a character assassination of ‘this is how we were in our days.’ This behaviour may not always be the whole story. When a child is still learning to identify and articulate their emotions and needs, behaviour often becomes a medium of expression. “Sometimes, a challenging behaviour is also a child’s indirect way of seeking connection, reassurance or emotional regulation,” says Dr Rupali Mohbe, a senior clinical psychologist and psychotherapist who has over two decades of experience, working in child, adolescent and family mental health. To an adult, these may seem like just regular outbursts, but sometimes these small emotions can build up over time and resurface as traumatic experiences in the future. One should be mindful that a challenging behaviour is also a child’s indirect way of seeking connection, reassurance or emotional regulation. This however does not mean that every adult reaction can be traced back to childhood. Not every outburst, however, is a deeper struggle. Instead, a child may simply be tired, frustrated, hungry or overstimulated.
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Looking beyond the behaviour, and pushing before reacting can often help adults understand what the child is trying to communicate. Dr Rupali has often noticed a similar pattern in children who are referred to as the more sensible one or the more mature ones. They are often the ones learning to keep the peace and become overly responsible, constantly monitoring the surrounding. A very ‘good’ child can be struggling too as maturity sometimes comes at a cost. “Some children respond to emotional insecurity by becoming unusually compliant, responsible and eager to please,” says Dr Rupali Similarly, while praising or correcting children, parents often compare them among their peers, siblings and cousins, often with good intentions. However, these suggestions don’t necessarily build better individuals rather it damages their self-esteem and can lead to an un healthy competition. Children may begin measuring their worth against that of others. Praise then becomes conditional and being less troublesome or easy to tame becomes the way to earn approval.
When someone listens to a child instead of ignoring or dismissing a random topic, it helps them regulate. Nicole Fernandes, a social media strategist from Aldona, also experienced an embarrassing incident in her childhood, when she accidentally broke her shoe on stage and showed it to her mother in the audience. She laughs about it today as she was well received. She says, “Now, when I look back at it, it was definitely an embarrassing moment. As adults, we often end up doing stuff that society terms embarrassing.” Megan Fernandes from Saligao, is a lecturer at St Xavier’s College Mapusa. She recalls being teased that affected her as a child. She says, “It affected me when people teased me and called me short, or when I wore glasses, they called me Mahatma Gandhi. It affected me to a point where I wouldn’t wear my glasses and it in turn it affected my eyes.” While teaching teenagers she says, “you have to be very mindful of your words” especially while commenting on their appearance as it is a stage in life where everything is very delicate and they are still figuring out almost everything.
Today she is done with it, but she often comes across students who suffer with anxiety and panic attacks. Children seek support in various forms and listening is one of them. “I met a student who was suffering with an injury while playing a game. I spoke to him, telling him that it was ok if he didn’t play this match and that I see potential in him. Two days later he texted me saying thank you for speaking to him,” says Megan. Listening early can help children and teenagers as adults to seek validation from positive sources. Feeling unseen or unheard in life can affect how some adults seek validation or reassurance. Children often know their worth but a word of appreciation and recognition helps build confidence and develop a positive perception of themselves. “One pattern I have often noticed in my work with children is that distress does not always look like difficult or disruptive behaviour. Some children respond to emotional insecurity by becoming unusually compliant, responsible and eager to please,” says Dr Rupali. A child may start taking excessive responsibility at home, constantly monitoring a parent’s mood, become frightened of making mistakes, or feel compelled to keep everyone happy. Adults may interpret this as maturity and say, “She is such a sensible child,” or “He never gives us any trouble.” What appears to be maturity can actually be hyper vigilance. The child may have learned, consciously or unconsciously, that if they behave perfectly, they avoid mistakes and keep others happy.
This they believe reduces the possibility of criticism, conflict or rejection. Constant negative criticism masked as constructive criticism destroys the self-esteem and can lead to a child taking drastic step and if not intervened early can build up eventually to a severe step, including ending their own lives. Samantha Francesca Viana, a Palliative Care Counsellor, says, “With any normal painful experience, if dealt with appropriately, and listened to in the early initial stages, a child who is upset eventually calms down and feels safe again, that is they are able to regain their homeostasis when taught appropriate coping skills. They later on remember the event as a sad or difficult incident from the past, which ultimately helps them build resilience and grow stronger. Adults should therefore pay attention to the minor details and listen carefully.” Young people do not always have or use the right words while explaining themselves.
They sometimes respond with silence, anger, or distancing. While listening need not mean justifying every behaviour or tantrum, it also shouldn’t mean assuming every behaviour. It means pausing and asking what happened, or simply listening. Listening can then help them with the assurance that they have been heard.
