Ever notice, how you worked hard on
something – a project or a presentation or even cooking a new dish –
and it was near perfect…it had these minute flaws which weren’t
important in the bigger picture? Maybe a
few typos or minor formatting issues or poor presentation of the
dish. If judged by its effectiveness, the project/presentation/dish
was perfect. Except,
people did notice those minute flaws. And ironically, they commented
on those flaws first and then appreciated all that was done well.
Worse still, some people stopped at pointing out only the flaws. They
just didn’t seem to notice the strengths.
Oh! How it breaks one’s heart and
spirit when shortcomings are pointed out first. It takes away the joy
of having worked so hard and definitely takes away the thrill from
the compliments that are showered afterwards. For
by then, we are second-guessing
ourselves and wondering if the other person is sincere in her/his
compliments.
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Now, why would someone do that to
us…aren’t they being unfair? Wait a minute, we do that too! Given
an opportunity to play a critic, we leave no stone unturned to fish
out the shortcomings and point those out before celebrating what
indeed meets our expectations. That’s human tendency. To focus on
the shortcomings and not the strengths.
However, some people do try…they try
very hard to give constructive criticism (as it is called). They
appreciate the strengths first and then offer a few ‘insights’ on
the shortcomings. But it doesn’t work. Their feedback goes something
like this, ‘That was an excellent cup of tea; but too sugary for
me’. Here you paid a compliment and then took it away with a ‘but’.
How about giving feedback like this,
‘That was an excellent cup of tea. Thank you very much. Next time
could you tone down the sweetness a little?’
In the earlier instance ‘but’ makes
the compliment sound as if it was paid for, for the sake of being
polite. You are making the other person feel apologetic about adding
too much sugar. In the next example, the
compliment is sincere followed by a personal preference. This
approach helps the receiver understand not only what they are doing
right but takes away our focus from the shortcomings and helps us
appreciate what really matters.
I gave a small instance of appreciating
a cup of tea here. But we can implement this approach in all our
relationships in every sphere of our life. It will help us refocus on
others’ strengths and offer constructive criticism in a more
effective manner…a manner in which others accept our criticism in
the right spirit.
We begrudge our
partners/friends/children for when they
don’t meet our expectations, hardly ever
noticing when they go an extra mile to do something special for us.
Even then we are busy offering ‘constructive criticism’ (and
deflating their spirits).
Life is not perfect and neither are we.
If we wish for others to overlook our shortcomings, we have to start
by overlooking theirs first and start celebrating their strengths.
