Bringing a child into this world is a shared responsibility of the parents. Following societal norms, the responsibility is mostly expected to be bared by the mother. However with changing times, both parents are working equal hours. With most families now planning for a single child, there are various parenting styles that can be observed which the child reacts to accordingly.
The child outside the home
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Sandhya Fernandes is a teacher at St Francis Xavier Higher Secondary School, Siolim where she has been teaching for 34 years. Over the years, she has observed children go from loving, more concerned and one with nature to a new generation of teenagers.
Sandhya says, “The reality is that single child receive more attention from the parents and they seek the same attention at school from the teachers and teachers have to give attention to everybody. When there are more children in the family, the attention is diversified to all the kids. There’s too much of pressure on a single child where extracurricular activities are concerned and they are not out on their own with nature at all. They’re not on the playground but busy with their mobiles. Today, with both parents working, there’s hardly time for the kids.”
Whether in class or during extracurricular activities, Sandhya has found a difference in the way children behave now. “There’s a lot of jealousy and not much of compassion to be seen towards the others as they cannot see the other side of the other person. Academically, they’re good in their studies but they’re pressurized by the parents and it’s too competitive,” says Sandhya.
Emotional absence
While children are overprotected and doted upon, they are still times when the child is given no quality time especially in their early years. Most parents give the child all the material aspects, especially when they are small, they are given many toys and as they grow up, they are given the phone. As both parents are working, the child is with a nanny in a nuclear home or with relatives in a joint family, which is better comparatively like to a nuclear family. The parents spend minimal time with the child. This effect remains and when the parent is absent, the child won’t be able to know have that emotional connect with their own parents. If something goes wrong with them or they are facing some difficulties, the parents even though living under the same roof, won’t know about it.
The shift in parenting
There is a slight different in today’s generation of parents, especially those who are in their early 30s. A trend has been observed where parents are expecting from the children. Earlier, the parenting style was very clear, but now the lines are getting blurred. “There’s a lot of emotional turmoil that the child is going through regardless the parenting style actually with more of expectations from the child. The child is treated like a trophy that needs to update itself. Due to social media, parents are competing on how their child can outdo other children. If a parent enrolls their child in music class, and their friend has enrolled their child in music and football, this parent will put the child in music, football and dance. While the parent wants to live their dreams through their child, the child has to go through this trauma. Nowadays, it’s happening on a massive scale,” says Cipriano Fernandes, who counsels students at MES College in Zuarinagar besides his own center, Wellness Counseling Centre in Panjim.
“A new type of parenting style is coming up where authoritative parents won’t send their child anywhere but then they want the child to do well in studies and on the other hand, they use permissible parenting style to emotionally blackmail the child by giving permission to go anywhere with their friends, provided that they excel in everything,” adds Cipriano.
Myths about single children
Dr Nandita de Souza, director and developmental and behavioural paediatrician at Sethu Child Development and Family Guidance, Porvorim, feels that all that matters is that children are loved, respected, nurtured and valued.
“Parenting is a huge responsibility and adults today are able to choose their version of family and parenting, whether it’s no children, one child, many children or only a pet, each parent has their own logic and reasoning. There’s a lot of anxiety about what’s the best for children. Actually, there’s absolutely no evidence that there’s one perfect number. However, there are a lot of myths surrounding only children that they are bossy, entitled, unable to share, ‘pampered’, and so on. This isn’t always the case,” says Dr Nandita.
She further adds, “There is more pressure on an only child to be happy, behave properly, be successful and shine with all the love and care beamed on them by their parents. All children have strengths and all children struggle. Let adults choose whether they want children or not and how many. Each of us can be part of the village around every child and support all parents without judging them. Only children need not necessarily be lonely children. Families can create opportunities for children to engage with other children and learn about getting along, dealing with the frustration that is part of human interactions and building lasting relationships with peers.”
