I used to think that fatwas (when they
concerned warnings or bans) were ridiculous. Being issued as regularly as the
daily paper, I had read about fatwas against breastfeeding, traveling to Mars
and emoticons. I’m not making this stuff
up, you can research it online. And now it seems our secular nation has joined
the bandwagon. One of our largest metropolitan cities has banned beef to
protect the Hindu sentiment, but it seems pork doesn’t offend anybody. While
we’re a nation that has invented the Kamasutra and has ancient structures with
extremely explicit content carved in stone, we are censoring words like
‘lesbian’ and ‘sex’ on TV. Have we gone mad? Does the stork still bring babies?
Is he not tired? Do the cellular towers not hinder his flying? Well, I’m
joining in this ludicrousness and suggesting my own bans. With enough of
signatures, we can turn a few of these into realities.
Ban Donald Duck
It is common knowledge that Donald Duck
doesn’t wear pants. Nudity on TV isn’t allowed but we’ve let this one slip
through. He goes around parading solely in his blue shirt without a care in the
world. The nerve of him. Kids are watching dammit! No more Donald Duck. Or at
least use those pixilated squares to censor his duck nether regions.
Ban Country Music
It hurts the sentiments of people with
ears. And encourages drug abuse, might I add. Have you heard the lyrics of John
Denver’s ‘Country Roads’? It says, ‘I hear her voice in the morning… I get a
feeling that I should have been home yesterday’. Clearly he’s high on
something, hallucinating and has lost track of time. Country music is not our
culture and should be banned.
Ban the letter X
Can anybody tell me what
responsibilities does X handle anyway that Z doesn’t do at the beginning of a
word. Or a CKS, at the end? I don’t really think the other alphabets even like
X. Nobody is going to miss it. X, I’m sorry, but stand alongside beef and
lesbians.
Ban Lady Fingers
Very rarely have I tasted bhindi that
has been cooked well. They get all slimy and are more of a chore to eat than a
pleasure. Get it out of our markets, our kitchens and our souls. Eating is a
spiritual affair and shouldn’t be marred with satanic vegetables. Why Satanic?
Have you heard of any other vegetable that encourages cannibalism on some level?
I think not.
Ban Mondays
In fact, I’ve got a better idea. Let’s
ban the first day of the week after Sunday, unless it’s a Saturday. Tadaa! In
some circles I’m known as a genius. Unfortunately, I end up being the only
person in said circles.
Ban women who don’t want to date me
This really hurts my sentiments. Come
on, one lousy date wouldn’t kill you. Well not physically anyway. I can cook.
Sort of. Carry on a semi-intelligent conversation. Sort of. And am willing to
split the bill at an economical restaurant, unless you insist on paying.
Ban the question ‘Do you think I’m fat?’
Whatever your answer is, it’s wrong.
Trust me, studies have proven that there is no possible right answer to this
question. Answers like ‘Yes’, ‘No’ and ‘Compared to what’, will all get you
into serious trouble. It’s easier to just ban the question. Anybody who asks it
could be imprisoned for up to, say, 6 years?
Well that’s it. I’m just going to have
my people draw up these petitions and hand them out on the street for people to
sign. In no time, Goa and India will be a happier place, unless we’re hurting
the sentiments of said people. Then we are in trouble.
