It is important to apologise. Every time
two people talk or act harshly towards each other they create emotional scars
(hopefully no physical ones) and a sense of disharmony between them. As a
result of this, emotional barriers are created between the two and it is
difficult to feel any sort of affection or attachment towards each other. It
disrupts a healthy relationship.
An apology removes those barriers and
restores harmony.
When we think of an apology, we think
“sorry”. That may not be enough. There are 5 steps in asking for forgiveness,
which make our apology genuine and heartfelt.
1. Being sorry.
2. Saying “I am sorry”
3. Accepting responsibility for your
behaviour
4. Making necessary changes in your
behaviour
5. Not repeating the behaviour
Saying sorry for the sake of it does not
constitute an apology. The other person can make out that you don’t really mean
it and this creates further resentment. If you don’t mean it, don’t say it,
just to get off the hook. Better say it when it comes from your heart and you
really wish to make amends.
It really is important to accept
responsibility for your mistake. Much too often we either resort to giving
clarifications for our actions or we point out the other person’s mistake. Of
the two apologies below, which one would you like to hear:
1. I
am sorry but I was so stressed that I spoke harshly to you, OR
2. I
am sorry I hurt your feelings. I made a mistake. I should not have spoken
harshly to you. Please forgive me.”
I am sure most would like to hear the
second apology, because, in it, the focus remains on the one who is hurt and
the issue on hand. The first one is also sincere, but there is a subtle
difference. The focus, surreptitiously, has shifted from the one who is hurt to
the one who hurt you. With that justification comes the underlying expectation
– Please understand me and the stress I am undergoing.
This is not the time. You will get your
turn to explain yourself and share what has pained you too. Right now you want
to make amends and the focus is on the hurt of the other person. Address that.
Feel sorry, say sorry and accept responsibility by acknowledging that your
actions were wrong. Follow up your apology by making the required changes in
your behaviour. If you lapse into the same old habits over and over again then
your apology loses all its meaning. And your accepting responsibility for your
misbehaviour becomes an empty gesture.
There is a lot more to apologising than an
innocuous “sorry”. It takes a real person to truly apologise.
