Saint Mother Teresa was once quizzed by a journalist about her solution to attaining world peace. She said, “Go home and love your family; because Peace and War begin at home.”
Domestic disputes have destroyed Goan families for decades. Anyone who visits Goa admires the architectural taste of the houses we have built, and, as a community, we go to great lengths to beautify and preserve these houses. As individuals, we grind through the most toxic and gruesome of jobs, work long hours and sacrifice our health, so that we can splash a fresh pint of paint or purchase new furniture. Posh bathrooms, flowering gardens, smart kitchens and swanky living rooms make up Goan houses today – but, how are our homes doing?
Surely, Goa is a land of beautiful houses. But, as the tradition of joint-family communal homes evolve into independent living, many families find themselves delusional and distraught by never-ending property and inheritance disputes. The rapidly changing lifestyles of Goan families would make for an interesting sociology thesis today, with the constant tides of immigration and emigration influencing thoughts, beliefs and actions. The social fabric of Goa has drastically changed across two generations.
Elders refer how “Gen-Z show no respect to values and customs”, though the truth is that Gen-Z has been long replaced by Gen-Alpha, who are quite literally born as global citizens, courtesy the internet. First graders talk about relationships and high schoolers talk about break-ups, so it is no surprise that there is an alarming rise in divorce, child custody, and domestic violence cases in Goa.
The dispute redressal process of litigation is built around the concept that every judgement or order passed in a court proceeding has a winning party and a losing party. Any civil, criminal or commercial dispute battled in court is harsh, but it scratches another layer of a human being’s emotional fabric to battle a family dispute, publicly in court. Litigating family disputes has destroyed families, beyond repair or reconciliation. Siblings turn strangers after walking down the corridors of a courtroom. It is very essential to handle a family dispute in a very delicate manner so that the relationship of the parties is not destroyed in the attempt of resolving the dispute, but rather preserved and nurtured.
The collaborative dispute resolution process of Mediation enables families to resolve their disputes in a manner that rejuvenates and preserves family ties. In Mediation, emphasis is laid on understanding the common interests of the parties in dispute, prioritizing needs and respecting perspectives, before beginning the easier part of mutually arriving at an amicable solution. Mediation does not involve the search for a winning party and rather explores pathways to arrive at a consensus which leaves both parties satisfied with the outcome. Mediation ensures that privacy of proceedings (where and when are the discussions held) and confidentiality of conversations (what is being discussed) are strictly maintained. This way, families settle disputes in a safe environment without having to wash their dirty laundry in public
While dealing with a family dispute, it is imperative to ensure that the expression of opinions and emotions are encouraged, and listened to with attention and respect. Many families battling property and inheritance disputes in court have no clue about the proceedings, arguments or status of the case. It is fascinating that we blindly trust our lawyers to fight for matters that are so personal to ourselves and our families. Mediation does not act as an alternative to formal proceedings in terms of divorce or inheritance matters pertaining to the law in Goa, but provides a safe ground for cementing the terms of agreement before court.
Much has been written about the pendency of court cases in Goa. And, despite best attempts by the judiciary and legal professionals to reduce this backlog, the average lifespan for a civil case is five to eight years. Of course, it would not be wrong to state that there are some court cases involving family disputes that have exceeded the lifespan of the disputants themselves. Why do we let ourselves be dragged into an adversarial battle in court, drain ourselves emotionally, mentally, psychologically and financially, without knowing the outcome? Human beings are complex individuals, and the complexities multiply when these individuals who were once in a relationship as siblings or spouses now have to deal with a conflict.
Mediation respects the complex nature of human relationships and allows individuals a safe space to be true and vulnerable, and in doing so allow both parties in the dispute to understand and be understood. Change is inevitable in all aspects of life, and some relationships do not last a lifetime, but they can be amicably dissolved – without causing damage to others affected by the strained relationship.
To remedy this issue and enable the people of Goa to take benefit of the numerous benefits of Mediation, Pedro Arrupe Institute, Raia, and Nirmala Institute of Education, Altinho-Panaji, have launched mediation services through their initiative – Goa Mediation and Reconciliation Centre (GMRC). Write to gmrcgoa@gmail.com or visit any of the above centers for details on how to mediate your family disputes.
( Jonathan Rodrigues is a Mediator, Author and Conflict Coach. Zyfern Dias is an advocate, practicing at the High Court of Bombay.)
