Much of our lives are spent in reaction to others and to events around us. The problem is that these reactions might not always be the best course of action, and as a result, they can make things worse for us, make the situation worse.
The truth is, we often react without thinking. It is a gut reaction, often based on fear and insecurities, and it is not the most rational or appropriate way to act. Responding, on the other hand, is taking the situation in, and deciding the best course of action based on values such as reason, compassion, cooperation, etc.
When your child breaks something, you immediately react by getting angry, perhaps yelling, upsetting the child and yourself, worsening your relationship, not making anything better. Responding: Your child breaks something. You notice your anger reaction, but pause, take a breath, and consider the situation. You make sure your child is OK – not hurt, not scared. Realise that the object that is broken, in the larger view, is not that important. Let it go, adjust to a world without it.
This choice presents itself to us all the time, whether it is our mother nagging us, our co-worker being rude, our wife/husband not being kind enough, and so on. There will always be external events that bother us, but if we learn to respond and not just react, we can make things better.
When we resort to reacting rather than responding, it is usually because we have a lot of pent up energy, mainly negative energy. When we bottle up these emotions on a regular basis, they eventually build up to the point where an explosion is unavoidable.
Pausing before you act is the very foundation of responding. Reacting happens in an instant. There is no room for forethought. So, if you can put that reaction on hold, even if it is just for a split second, you will be training your brain to stop and think for longer periods in the future. A great way to ask yourself questions like: “What would the most compassionate response be in this situation? or “How can I respond in a way that is in line with my goals for this particular relationship? The small pause will not affect the quality of your conversations, but it will give you some time in which to formulate a well-thought out response before you answer.
A lot of the time we react when we feel like we do not have any other option. When we feel as though we have lost control over the situation our mind plays tricks on us and tells us the only way to get what we want is to retaliate and through a tantrum like a two-year-old. When you think about it with a level head you will realise you always have a choice. You are then more likely to prefer the option with least possible consequences.
In learning to respond, the main thing is mindfulness and the pause. Pay close attention to how our minds react. Then pause. We do not have to act immediately, just because we have an internal reaction. We can pause, not act, breathe. We can watch this urge to act irrationally arise, then let it go away. Sometimes that takes a few seconds, other times it means we should remove ourselves politely from the situation and let ourselves cool down before we respond.
