It comes out of nowhere – fast, strong and
just at the moment when you least expect it. There is no way of preempting it
or defending yourself from it. So many people suffer from it on a day-to-day
basis and yet, there are no signs or symptoms that can be discussed or
described to prepare anyone else for the affliction. Wondering what I’m talking
about? Well it’s the legendary foot in mouth disease. New age, online
dictionaries define this disease as the habit of making inappropriate,
insensitive, imprudent, embarrassing, stupid or indiscreet statements. Most
people I know have an attack once in a while or better yet, once in a blue
moon. But me? I can’t settle for anything less than the best. In other words,
maximum exposure. You see, I’ve developed a knack for and mastered the art of
the deadly foot in mouth disease.
Take for instance the time when I was in
college in Bombay. Being away from home and living in a hostel meant being
invited over to ‘day-scholar’ friends’ houses over weekends for home-cooked meals,
hot showers in actual bathrooms, TV channels of one’s choice and a change of
pace and scenery. It was like having the best of both worlds! Never one to turn
down such precious invitations, I once found myself at a friend’s apartment in
Andheri. As both her parents were out of town, we were in the company of her
grandmother who was quite a lovely lady – easy to get on with, fun and
talkative. After lunch, whilst my friend took her dog out for a stroll, we sat
and chatted away and I mentioned how much I admired her trendy hairdo, only to
discover as I reached out to touch it that it was a wig! Thankfully, she found
it quite amusing and we all ended up having a hearty laugh.
Then there was the time when I ran into
another friend of mine after ages. Thanks to our busy schedules, I hadn’t seen
him or his wife in almost a year since they’d gotten married and naturally,
there was much to catch up on. Also, he said they had some big news. So we made
plans and fixed a date for dinner. The big night arrived and I turned up at
their house, celebratory bottle of wine in one hand and flowers in the other.
As my friend’s wife answered the door, I took one look at her and screamed, “Oh
my god! You’re glowing! And Mike said y’all had big news! YOU’RE PREGNANT!!!
When are you due and do I stand a chance of being godmother? Please? Please?
Please? Please? Please?!?” Turns out I was mistaken – the glow was from
standing over a hot stove, the big news was that they’d adopted a Neapolitan
mastiff puppy and what I’d assumed was ‘the bump’ was actually a little holiday
weight she was struggling to lose! The wine sure came in handy in drowning out
the memory of my blunder, even if only for that night!
I have to admit though, it’s not always
funny. There are times when I’ve said things in haste, believing I was helping
a certain situation but in actuality, I’ve only ended up making things worse.
But such is my life. I know I’m going to keep doing this till I’m old and grey
and even then I’ll have to look at the bright side or swallow my pride and
apologise. As long as the people on the other side realise I mean no harm and
bear no ill will and that it all stems from my stupidity and foot-in-mouth
disease, I’ll live with it!
