You might think Valentine’s Day is about
couples; a day to celebrate their eternal bond and their unconditional love for
each other; a day to toast yourselves to an equal and mutually satisfying
relationship. Friend, don’t be so naive. Valentine’s Day isn’t about couples.
It’s all about women. As guys, everything you say and do has to be about them.
It’s like her birthday, except that you get to pretend it’s your birthday too,
it’s just that nobody cares. The same rules of birthday gift-buying, wining and
dining apply as it would on your anniversary or her birthday.
I, on the other hand, have no such
problems. When the winged agent of love was pairing people up, he ran out of
love-arrows and used his friend-zone arrows instead. For those of you
unfamiliar with the term friend-zone, well, good for you. The notorious
‘friend-zone’ is where you’re hopelessly in love with a woman and she adores
you, but just as friend. With all your unique skills, you’ve managed to enter
the land that no man wishes to ever step foot in. The minute you enter the
friend zone, the gates shut behind you and there’s sweet nothing you can do
about. From now on she will tell you about her day, her horrible bosses and
worst of all… who she’s in love with. Then, to rub salt into your emotional
wounds, she will ask why the men she pines after can’t be more like you. You
will buy her flowers and shower her with gifts. And in return you get a big…
high five. If you’re really unlucky, you may be blessed with a ‘World’s Best
Friend’ mug. I like to call it the cup of sorrow. The deeper you go into the
friend-zone, the stranger it gets. She now takes you shopping for nail polish
and is comfortable enough to tell you when she’s PMSing. The kind soul that you
are, you will sympathise and lend an ear and a shoulder. Guys, take it from me,
if you can even see the friend zone from a distance, about turn and run so far
and fast, you would put Forrest Gump to shame. Don’t look back. Keep running
till you reach the “he’s so mysterious” zone, albeit with another woman.
There’s nothing for you back there Forrest. You have to move on.
Once you find the love of your life and by
some miracle she feels the same way about you, hold on tight like it’s the last
piece of bacon on the plate. But don’t be too clingy. The biggest problems you
will then face is how on earth you’re going to make Valentine’s Day different
from last year. From experience I can tell you to set expectations really low
the first time around. If you outdo yourself on the first valentines, you’re
going to find it hard to raise the bar the next year. So gift her a spoon or
batteries for her alarm clock. Make sure there’s a sweet message accompanying
it. Like “you wake up the passion in me, at 6:15 am”. Next year, she’s going to
be really surprised when you make a plaster of Paris jewellery box. It doesn’t
matter how bad it looks. As compared to the batteries, it’s a winner. See what
I’m getting at? It’s up to you to keep building up the gifts, but not too
quickly. By the time you’re 65, you should be aiming at diamond earrings.
Perhaps even a pair of them.
I know what you’re thinking… “Bertie,
you’re so full of wisdom, why are you still single?” Well, ask the 108 female best friends I have.
One of them ought to have an answer.
