Fresh off the heels of the porn ban, the
absurdities didn’t seem to stop. Mumbai recently banned the sale of meat for
four days because of the Jain festival of Paryushan. It’s like telling someone,
“Hey, I don’t like country music, so you can’t listen to it too. I don’t care
if you’re using headphones. It’s the devil’s music, so stop it.” We are not a
free people. Don’t you, for one second, think you are welcome to do as you
please, as long as it doesn’t harm someone else? Don’t you dare attempt to
express your opinion in public. Don’t be yourself. Don’t look. Don’t touch.
Don’t speak. Don’t sneeze. You know what
makes me feel better, though? Knowing that citizens in other countries live
under the same illusion of freedom. Let me give you a few examples.
In Florida, it is illegal to pass gas after 6pm or on
Thursdays
Yup. You need to get all your farts out of the way by 5:59
pm. That’s why everyone seems to be deep in thought, late at night in Florida.
They’re all straining to keep it in. The frowns on their faces? They’re not
thinking about the deeper meaning of life. They’re regretting having all those
beans. They don’t sell drugs in the dark back alleys there. They sell feijuado.
It’s illegal for women to drive in Saudi Arabia
I know what you’re thinking. We should make it illegal here
too. Don’t be a chauvinist. It’s the year 2015 and Saudi women have just been
given the right to vote. You would think that they’re on their way to
empowerment but they can’t really drive themselves to the polling booths, for
heaven’s sake. Ironically, in our country, we can get away with driving without
a licence but nothing can drag us to vote.
In Switzerland, it’s against the law to flush after 10 pm
What is it with the west and bathroom manners? When you
have to go you have to go. But you need to get rid of the evidence. It’s only
hygienic. The law was passed though,
because the Swiss, you see, have sensitive hearing. And flushing amounts
to noise pollution (this is the actual reason). So unless you have a sound
proof loo, off to jail you go.
In Samoa, it’s illegal to forget your wife’s birthday
I guess they figured there’s one way to make sure that men
around the country don’t take their wives for granted. Send them to prison, if
they so much as forget the day she was born. Then a 6ft man in your cell whose
nickname is Pinky, and who makes you give him a back rub every night while
whispering sweet nothings into his ear, will make you remember the date every
single day of your life.
In Russia, it is illegal to tell kids gay people exist
Vladmir Putin has just passed the law trying to make gay
people a myth. I’m not sure how this works out. Is he saying it’s a work of
fiction? Santa and gay people are folklore? And the final verdict is still not
out about Santa, but gays… yup, all made up. Well, kids, he’s just Putin the
wool over your eyes. Bad pun? I knew I shouldn’t have added it in there.
What I’m going to do is form the Republic of Bertie and
file for separation. Citizens can eat, drink and use bad puns without fear of
reprimand. You can call the head of state a ‘schmuck’ and hey, maybe we can
laugh about it over a couple of drinks. Maybe I might smack you a bit, but the
point is, you’re free to say it. Live and let live would be a real thing; as
real as the concept of freedom. Who’s with me?
