We all have our preferences, and there will always be some things that we will consider to be better than others. For instance, you might prefer rum and raisin ice cream, and I might prefer plain vanilla. We have different tastes, but we just cannot seem to accept that other people may not share our opinion. We try to judge their choice: ‘How could you eat that? It is awful’. And we try to convert them: ‘You do not know what you are missing. Try this’. But for better relationships and peace of mind we need to understand that what is better for us might be worse for someone else.
This example may sound trivial, but most people do not care about what others think when it comes to their choice of ice cream. It is a little more irritating, however, when we are being judged on our view of the world. No matter how we feel about being judged we still find it difficult not to judge others. We believe our way is the best way, but what is right for us is not necessarily right for everyone.
We have opinions about what other people should do to get out of a difficult situation or to make their life better. We say, ‘I would never do that….’. But how do we know if we have never been in that same situation? Can we be sure we would act differently? Often we are no better than a back-seat driver. We judge and criticize other people’s actions when we have never been in the hot seat.
We want the best for the people we care about most. We want to give them the ‘best’ advice, and that advice is usually based on our preferences. Say like, you may want others to spend how you spend, eat how you eat, live how you live and believe what you believe. You do not realize that your preferences are your preferences. In the end, they might not be the best things for yourself, let alone another. So let others do what they think is right for themselves. They make bad choices but that is how people learn. Let them make their mistakes. You focus on learning from your own.
We cannot see the benefits that will come from another person’s experience. We might judge it as being ‘not right’ but it could be right for his situation. In other words, where people find themselves in this moment may be the perfect place for them, given where they are heading.
Further, when you give advice to someone who has not asked for it, it is not advice-giving. It is judging. It will be taken as a criticism. And criticisms disconnect relationships. Allow another to be, and they will want to be around you. It is not often a person is made to feel accepted for who they are. We need to remember that nobody is perfect. And others will always be far from it, especially if they have to live up to your definition of the word.
(The writer is the author of the book “Rise And Shine…The Lotus Way”, and a social activist).
