Elsa Angel Rose
For many youngsters, finding a partner has become similar to finding the right pair of jeans, shoes and more. Modern dating is often compared to shopping, where potential partners are viewed almost like products in a marketplace. Despite many predictions that by 2035 more people will meet their partners online than in person, the reality of dating apps feels far less exciting. In recent years, “dating app fatigue” has become increasingly common, with users describing the experience as repetitive and draining, having the same small-talk conversations, watching chats suddenly go quiet, and trying to keep up with several matches at once.
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ONLINE DATING FEELS LIKE SHOPPING
“Online dating does feel a lot like shopping; you are expected to pick someone from just a few pictures and curated answers. A person cannot be judged from a profile. Having a lot of options in anything makes it harder to make a choice. Being presented with so many people who supposedly could be a good match for you, what factors do you even use to decide?,” asked Sanika Malvi, a 23-year-old from Panaji. For the young Writer/ Director Sankalp from Panaji, online dating feels like swiping on a product instead of a person. “The most familiar of which is a camera website, where I usually also have the options of choosing a certain type of camera, based on what I want. Online dating kind of works the same way. You have certain things you can filter out or look for, like height, age, interests and all, and then you decide whether that person fits what you are looking for. But the problem is that a person isn’t really a product with a list of specifications. There are things like how they behave, how they talk, their sense of humour and what it’s actually like being around them, which you can’t really put into a filter,” said Sankalp. There are many other youngsters who look towards the horizon in the modern dating scenario. “There’s a flip side to it, where you get to try a lot of options before making a pick,” said Sanika. Pointing out something ironic yet relevant, Leander Fernandes, a 25-year old assistant professor based in Margao, said, “In online shopping, you get what you want. But online dating involves the other person wanting it too. It’s not a one sided demand-and-supply relationship; it’s a two-way street.” Alouise, another 22-year-old from Margao, shared, “The apps help you to find your type of people from the go, which is helpful to some people like me who are not really good at socialising or awkward in person.”
A PLETHORA OF OPTIONS, YET NO PARTNER
Having a swathe of options has made it all the more difficult (though it should’ve been the other way). “Too many options allow you to move on from one person onto the next very easily, and talking to multiple people at once (or having a roster) can be excruciating if you are employed. In my opinion, online dating is quite exhausting as there’s always tons of options but nothing concrete comes out of it. It’s an endless loop of you looking for the next best thing and multiple talking stages. One more thing is that people are quite hesitant to ask each other out; it’s just lots of texting, and once the conversation gets dry, you simply ghost your current match and move on to the next person,” said Alouise. Having a lot of options also brings up the problems of fake profiles and deceitful activities happening, which results in the loss of trust. “Online dating has made it more difficult to find the genuine one. There’s less trust, and it’s hard to know whether someone is genuinely interested or just looking for something temporary. Somewhere, love has lost a little of its value, and people who believe in something real can sometimes seem old school,” said Neha Baig, a model and body positivity influencer from Ponda. Leander emphasised the pros of having too many options: “It has finally opened the door to ‘don’t settle for less.’ Instead of settling, a lot of options may open more doors: someone with the same kinks, hobbies, religion.”
THE PITFALLS OF MODERN DATING
“I think there is no accountability. If someone cheats or does damage, they get away with it, the world forgets, and you just move on. It is the new normal now,” said Leander. Other than accountability, the intention of people in the dating pool is another questionable aspect. “I think everything boils down to one simple thing: intention. In modern dating, oftentimes the intention of both parties is rarely wanting something long-term. This Intention leads to less effort; bare-minimum efforts give and take between two people, and thus no real connection. Especially having met someone online first without giving them a chance to figure you out in person really messes up their image of you,” said Sanika.
A YEARNING FOR OLD SCHOOL LOVE
In an era where people keep tabs on the give-and-take between two people, who texts first, who calls first, who initiated the breakup, who ghosted, manipulated or gaslighted whom, youngsters are increasingly longing for the return of old-school love, one that values loyalty, respect, commitment and more (values that, for some reason, have come to be associated with “old-school love.”) “People do long for old school love; they want to meet their partner organically in person rather than dating apps. People are tired of talking stages, situationships, casual relations, and nonchalance. At the same time, I think people are getting scared of commitment and refuse to settle for someone who doesn’t match their standards; it’s only fair,” said Alouise. Leander added, “I feel old school love is the best kind: asking parents for permission, waiting for things to happen on their own, looking out for each other, the loyalty.
