A lot of my friends have kids. And I have to say, raising a child absolutely changes you. While you may think that you are going to shape and mould this little dirty diaper manufacturer, it’s actually the opposite that’s true. They dictate who you are from now on. They control your speech, your physical appearance, your diet and if you’re allowed to have friends anymore. Let me elaborate.
Kids will dictate how much sleep you get. They say you should rest when the kids rest. Nobody tells you that all the Red Bull you’ve ever had in your life gets passed on to the little energetic dwarfs. They never sleep. For 23 hours a day they alternate between being hungry and wanting to sleep but not really sleeping. That’s why none of my friends invest in designer sunglasses. The dark circles around their eyes look like Raybans anyway.
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Kids will change the way you speak. Forget your mother tongue, it’s of no use to you anymore. Your expensive watch is now a tick-tock. The car is the vroom vroom. And that mess in his shorts is a poo-poo. Later in life, parents start hiding things from their kids through the extremely cryptic form of spelling things out. We’re taking him to the D.O.C.T.O.R. Out of habit, they start spelling out things with me too. Bertie, would you like some D-I-N-N-E-R? What’s weird is, a lot of these kids know those words. So they look at me thinking “Wow, this guy can’t strings letters together!”
Counting is another issue. Somehow my friends have lost the ability to count beyond 2. This happens because of years of giving their kids the ghost ultimatum. “You better do what I told you. I’m counting… One… two”. And then there’s a stand off. The kids don’t know what happens after two. Neither do the parents. Everybody is clueless, and scared. Then they go into fractions. “Two and a half”. Kids get scared of fractions. It drives them nuts even in school. Usually, order is restored after two and a half. If the little demons actually held out, I’m pretty sure some parents would have dragged it for as long as they could. “Two and twenty-two three thirds”.
Oh, and their choice of music. I used to sing the Beatles with my buddies. We used to have Tom Petty or Pink Floyd on tapes. Now one of them tells me that there’s this acoustic version of ‘Wheel of the Bus’ where they’ve introduced a flute and it’s added a whole new dimension to an old classic. I used to tell my friends not to text and drive. Now I tell them not to clap and drive. Every family car will have ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ on CD. Every time the part comes on where they sing ‘clap your hands’ the driver has the compulsive need to leave the steering wheel and smack his hands. That’s when I have the compulsive need to strap myself into the baby chair behind, where it’s safe.
Lastly, there’s socialising. They can’t have an adult night out anymore. It’s in the contract. Some of them used to be salsa dancers and accomplished jivers. Now their dancing has become a tad bit complicated. Something to the effect of right leg out, and shaking it, all about. In your face – salsa.
But I hear having kids is life-changing, in a good way. It’s all worth it in the end when you get the smiles and the hugs and the little portraits of you that you stick on the fridge. I’ll take your word for it. Right now, I’m going to enjoy my afternoon S.I.E.S.T.A.
