Nobody really writes
to me. I love mails but all I get are forwards. The next best thing I do is
check my spam and have a laugh. It´s a gold mine that can keep me entertained
for hours. Here are a couple of actual subjects from my spam folder.
GET YOUR ONLINE DOCTORATE IN MEDICINE
NOW
Is this thing legit? If
the internet guys do manage to give out doctorates… makes you wonder
doesn’t it? The guy standing over you with a scalpel… did he pass out of
www.surgery-for-dummies.com? Why is the surgeon googling
stuff on his phone? What does he mean his Bypass App isn´t
working?
YOU HAVE INHERITED 150,000 DOLLARS
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This one’s a beauty. They
mail you saying that there’s this guy in Nigeria who died and his dineros
have gone to the bank. And hello hello, he has the
same surname as you. So it’s really simple, all you have to do is send
them some money as processing fees, your bank account details and they’ll
get the money out under the pretext that you’re a long lost relative. And
they’ll split it with you of course, 50-50. Now let’s analyse this. There’s
a dead Nigerian who has the same Indian surname as you. Sounds a wee bit
fishy doesn’t it. But Watambe and Dsouza are almost alike. Then he
has a plan to get the money out. All
he needs is a little money and your bank account details. Fair
enough. Plus he wants to split it 50-50. There you go. That’s your clue
that this is a rip-off. Who
would want to split it? Now if he said 60-40 we would have probably gone
ahead with it.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU HAVE JUST WON THE
LOTTERY!
Yup, you have won 1
million dollars! So why don’t you give the guys who sent the email a couple of
bucks so they can send the money to you. You know, because they spent all
the cash they had organising the lottery. Ok, there’s a simple formula
here of figuring out whether this is a scam or not. Have
you bought a lottery ticket lately? No? Chances are, you didn’t win
it then. Trust me, I ran the
numbers and they keep coming up with the same answers. You
can’t win the lottery if you didn’t participate in the lottery. It’s one
of those freaky laws of nature. Go Figure.
HELP THIS POOR UKRAINIAN GIRL IF YOU
HAVE A HEART
This one doesn’t
solicit money but it just annoys me. There’s a girl in Ukraine. The poor
thing has no shoes. And for every person you forward this
mail to, Microsoft will donate one dollar to the Ukranian Girl Shoe Fund.
Also known as UGSF (acronyms always do wonders). Why would Bill Gates do
that? What kind of crazy
diamond encrusted hi–tech shoes is he going to buy her? Does
it have windows? Will it crash every half an hour so you have to upgrade
to Shoe XP?
BY HAVING A BEAUTIFUL LUXURY DESIGNER REPLICA WATCH,
YOUR
GIRLFRIEND WILL BE SURELY INCLINED TOWARDS YOU AT ONCE
Note the words
carefully. ´Designer Replica´ watch. Not your ordinary
replicas. Those are so 2014. We’ve got designer replicas these days. They
take those fakes and make it look nothing like the original. Next, how did
this woman become your girlfriend without already being inclined to you?
Or perhaps she’s straying from the path of exclusivity. And what better
way to get her back then to go out there and wear a replica watch? Good-looks, sensitivity and loads of cash are so
overrated.
If you´ve found some gems too, don´t forget to tweet me. I´d love to read them.
